People are always a massive gamble. They help you, they hurt you, they essentially screw around with your head in that they are a simultaneous source for so much pleasure, yet so much pain. I've always been bad at losing people from my life, because everyone is unique, and therefore any loss is a loss that I know I will never fully recover.
That being said, learning people is a massive process of trial and error. One that is never complete. People come and go from your life, sometimes quietly and sometimes with a bang. The universe is so filled to the brim with variance.
I don't know what I am on about, this isn't supposed to be about people, but I have no idea where to start with what I actually want to say.
On a less universal scale, so many amazing things (and people) have happened to me in the recent past. I have met and am now friends with so many amazing identities, that I really do not deserve to have so close. I feel like I am the rotten tooth of the jaw.
Now, to paint myself as an even bigger weirdo...I am going to stick with that rotten tooth metaphor for a minute, but adapt it a little. If we could use all of these teeth to represent one's mindset towards the world, bearing in mind two things: (1) We'll just pretend that the world-view isn't as separated as the molars, and (2) is where we all giggle briefly at the fact that I have had my wisdom teeth removed, and how well it fits this metaphor.
So, moving on from this, consider the rotten tooth part of it all. The rotten tooth is something I've always had in the back of my mind somewhere, though I doubt it can be remedied quite as easily, by something like a dental appointment. This one tooth in the back of the jaw is like a tiny entity in the back of my mind. It's simply rotten. It means that my perception of life is conducted in such a way that no matter how brilliant and shiney and beautiful everything can seem, there's always this underground element of doubt, a backstage sense of loathing.
This is the part where I realise I jumped the gun a bit, because the dental metaphor has become obsolete. Because now the rotten tooth is supposed to pick up the properties of poison, which makes little sense. The problem is, when I play people - or anything, for that matter - I walk a very thin line. If something happens to tip me over an edge, this tiny little seed of doubt will start to spread and spill into my perception of everything.
It's almost like a form of self-sabotage. It turns me immature, neurotic, paranoid. Jealousy is probably one of the most powerful driving emotions, but I think doubt may be close behind. This one tiny seed of doubt can turn someone so highly strung, and has almost driven me to think the worst of someone who I know that well-adjusted me trusts completely, and thinks the world of.
Am I just scared? It's so easy for me to get deterred when things get intense with people. I care, but I am so scared of failing them that I just run. I run I run I run, and I hate myself, but I keep running. For as long as I keep running, I am destroying most of my shots at happiness, but I am also destroying my potential for failure. As long as I am not weighed down by failures, I am save. But I am at the same time unable to be lifted by success. Nothing ever comes out right, so the me that I am is like a half-accurate portrait of everything I expect to be and actually am. A portrait that falls so short of my plan.
It also seems that I can't deal with people I love being upset. Because I am selfish, I make it about me. It's like if I can use them to hurt myself more than they are hurting, I am absolved of having to be perfect and present, and able to cure things. But I don't want to be that person, and I can't stand that I am like this for as long as I have people around that I want to not be that person for.
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