Your self destruction is so complete...

People are always a massive gamble. They help you, they hurt you, they essentially screw around with your head in that they are a simultaneous source for so much pleasure, yet so much pain. I've always been bad at losing people from my life, because everyone is unique, and therefore any loss is a loss that I know I will never fully recover.

That being said, learning people is a massive process of trial and error. One that is never complete. People come and go from your life, sometimes quietly and sometimes with a bang. The universe is so filled to the brim with variance.

I don't know what I am on about, this isn't supposed to be about people, but I have no idea where to start with what I actually want to say.

On a less universal scale, so many amazing things (and people) have happened to me in the recent past. I have met and am now friends with so many amazing identities, that I really do not deserve to have so close. I feel like I am the rotten tooth of the jaw.

Now, to paint myself as an even bigger weirdo...I am going to stick with that rotten tooth metaphor for a minute, but adapt it a little. If we could use all of these teeth to represent one's mindset towards the world, bearing in mind two things: (1) We'll just pretend that the world-view isn't as separated as the molars, and (2) is where we all giggle briefly at the fact that I have had my wisdom teeth removed, and how well it fits this metaphor.

So, moving on from this, consider the rotten tooth part of it all. The rotten tooth is something I've always had in the back of my mind somewhere, though I doubt it can be remedied quite as easily, by something like a dental appointment. This one tooth in the back of the jaw is like a tiny entity in the back of my mind. It's simply rotten. It means that my perception of life is conducted in such a way that no matter how brilliant and shiney and beautiful everything can seem, there's always this underground element of doubt, a backstage sense of loathing.

This is the part where I realise I jumped the gun a bit, because the dental metaphor has become obsolete. Because now the rotten tooth is supposed to pick up the properties of poison, which makes little sense. The problem is, when I play people - or anything, for that matter - I walk a very thin line. If something happens to tip me over an edge, this tiny little seed of doubt will start to spread and spill into my perception of everything.

It's almost like a form of self-sabotage. It turns me immature, neurotic, paranoid. Jealousy is probably one of the most powerful driving emotions, but I think doubt may be close behind. This one tiny seed of doubt can turn someone so highly strung, and has almost driven me to think the worst of someone who I know that well-adjusted me trusts completely, and thinks the world of.

Am I just scared? It's so easy for me to get deterred when things get intense with people. I care, but I am so scared of failing them that I just run. I run I run I run, and I hate myself, but I keep running. For as long as I keep running, I am destroying most of my shots at happiness, but I am also destroying my potential for failure. As long as I am not weighed down by failures, I am save. But I am at the same time unable to be lifted by success. Nothing ever comes out right, so the me that I am is like a half-accurate portrait of everything I expect to be and actually am. A portrait that falls so short of my plan.

It also seems that I can't deal with people I love being upset. Because I am selfish, I make it about me. It's like if I can use them to hurt myself more than they are hurting, I am absolved of having to be perfect and present, and able to cure things. But I don't want to be that person, and I can't stand that I am like this for as long as I have people around that I want to not be that person for.

So this is the new year:

and i don't feel any different.
the clanking of crystal,
and explosions in the distance.

Soo, wow. This is it. An entire year has past. Last year my general reaction to NYE was "Fuck, I am so lonely." I can't say last night was a drastic improvement, but it was still good! I brought in the early morning hours by making a complete fool of myself on the dancefloor, whilst completely sober. I think I got hit on more times there and then than the rest of my life combined, how sad.

It also marks one year of me being a vegetarian! Including that "closet vegetarian" phase I went through initially. So yes, new resolutions, ahoy!

1. Get decent grades in uni, and pick between speech pathology and psychology.
2. Engage in more rewarding activities! (Like 40hr famine, Bridge to Brisbane...)
3. Eat less junk & more healthy stuff, and actually do some exercise!
4. Be a happier and stronger person.
5. Do more creative things!

Man they're so cliche. But still, I think they're necessary to get me closer to being the me I want to be. So, to 2010, and beyond!

there'll be no distance that can hold us back.

[I actually really am freaked out by the start of the new decade, but...must be positive!]

My life can be broken down into pages.

It's kind of scary.

Well, actually, it's just this habit I have. Whenever there is a page nearby, I have to scribble things on it.

For example, my sociology notes started out as...well, sociology notes. Now they also include:

The title of a book to read.
A couple of musicians.
A few songs to download.
A song lyric.
A profession of love (not platonic love, not undying love, just love love), written in the International Phoenetic Alphabet.

I rarely keep these pages, but I feel like if I did, I'd be able to trace things back to certain stages of my life (i.e., aɪ lʌv yu - See "SOCY1050 Quiz #1, on chapters 2 & 3")...I could even sort out my information autobiographically, just like the man in High Fidelity did. Only his were records. Most of my collections and possessions are more metaphysical than anything else...when was the last time you browsed through someone's ideas? And by that I don't just mean books. (Fact: Only about 1% of ideas invented in the modern world are actually translated and converted into physical publications).

Another conversation...

This time it wasn't overheard, I was a part of it.

Camilla: My manager got hit over the head with a ladder and got amnesia.
Alice: Was it retrograde or anterograde?

Cue weird looks...Clearly a shining moment for me. At least I'm learning my psychology though? Two more daysssss...

Finders Keepers!

Yep, so today was the Finders Keepers markets...the bottom line: I spent all my money. Now I am broke.




It was so worth it though, I am at home, on a saturday night, and still uber excited. For a change. Even though everyone is out drinking for halloween.

Things I bought: 1. "The Photo Album", from Frankie magazine. 2. Owl brooch. 3. Four small badges - two from a stand (Where I may have signed up for book-binding lessons) and two came free in the Frankie lucky dip. 4. Peppermint magazine. 5. Leaf badge, from Kindling. I bought a cloud made by the same artist (The cloud was named Harry), and she recognised me! The leaf is special too, because it was hand-sewn in Thailand, and spent about six months overseas.

I should really be writing my essay on Moorish architecture and religion and the Mosque of Cordoba, but alas I am lazy.

This blog...

... is on the verge of being labelled vintage webmaterial. Well, not anymore!

Okay, so since exams are coming up, the only logical thing to do would be to get back into the habit of blogging. Obviously.

So, I think I'll talk about a little predicament I am having. I'm practically living my life from inside a glass cage. Sounds weird? Probably. I can visualise it though, where I'm standing inside this circle that's made of thick glass and through it I can see everything in my life: everything I do, have to do, everyone I've ever met...everything. They are all squashed towards the glass, trying to get closer, closer, closer... While I'm not moving at all. I just stand there. Nothing can get to me.

Cutting the metaphor, basically a lot has been happening recently but not a lot has been happening to me. Not directly.

But everyone against that glass is pouring their stories, their angst, their self-centres, basically everything minus themselves - into the other side of the glass. General logic states that I should be drowning, and sometimes I really feel like I am. The part that worries me is that I feel more for other people than I do for myself. It's like the things that happen on the other side of the glass are all completely real. Too real. And everything on my side? Nothing. It's like I'm disconnected from my own life, when all I want is to be on the other side. I don't know. There are things that happen that should hurt me, but don't, and vice versa.

Which probably explains why exams are looming, and all I can do is invent a million things to distract me from studying. The final diagnosis? Eep.

In other news, the window of the downstairs room gets reflected in the window of our nextdoor neighbours' bathroom, and then back to the kitchen window. I have spent a lot of my evening waving like a maniac at my dad and brother. It. Is. Awesome.

Side note: What is it with power imbalances these days? It almost looks like a dynamic where one side puts in all the effort, all the talk, everything, and the other side? Nothing. It's not give and take, it's versus. Not because it works, just because it's easy. And it's everywhere.

Allusion.

There are days where everything I see seems to be charged with meaning: messages it would be difficult for me to communicate to others, define, translate into words, but for this very reason appear to me decisive. They are announcements or presages that concern me and the world at once: for my part, not only the external events of my existence but also what happens inside, in the depths of me; and for the world, not some particular event but the general way of being of all things. You will understand therefore my difficulty in speaking about it, except by allusion.

-- Italo Calvino.